About two weeks ago I did a post on random questions; and that triggered some people that I know to reach out and ask relationship questions, and I was unsure if I was going to do a follow-up to the original post. The people that asked the questions will be notified when this post is live; but I will not be mentioning who they are out of respect of their privacy. Furthermore, I am not a therapist, my answers are solely opinion only.
So lets jump into it…
- What advice do you have for going through a divorce? Hmm. I have been divorced for several years now; I won’t talk about my divorce, but from personal experience..I think the best thing to do is to try to make it easy as possible on each other, especially if children are involved and they’re old enough to know what is going on. Sophia was only 2.5 when I was getting divorced so I was lucky enough that she doesn’t remember any of it; but the last thing you would want to make your children feel as if this is somehow their fault and blame themselves. Children had a unique way of when parents are splitting up to think somehow they were the reason for their parents break-up. You have to find that common ground of co-parenting where you set your own feelings aside for the children; and realize that you two made these children. They didn’t ask to be here, and they don’t deserve to suffer the consequences of the break-up. There were plenty of times where I had to bite my tongue…and it was so hard not , but never wanted Sophia to see how ugly things could be; this is tough enough on them to begin with. It’s a whole new normal, their lives are forever changed.
If you don’t have children, I think it is easier to try to be decent towards each other, and my god I know what can be a lot easier said than done. Been there! But it’s ugly enough as is..egos are bruised..hurt etc…but arguing and getting up in each others faces won’t make the process any easier. Keep it off social media, there is no need to have the entire world know your business. I am a private person and I don’t like my personal business plastered all over social media and having a million and one different opinions coming at me. It’s a rough process to begin with why make it any harder.
Another aspect that I found to be really frustrating was how many people told me to “get out there and date,” I was in no mood or the right frame of mind to date. If you find yourself wanting too, then by all means do it. I didn’t date anyone until a year after my divorce was final; the way I saw it was I didn’t want to bring another person in the drama of a divorce, your emotions are all over the place..I felt that it would be unfair to that person.
I understand that what I am saying sounds to Leave it to Beaver way of doing things; but you don’t need to be at each others throats constantly. I am definitely not saying that I didn’t “lose my cool,” going through mine, because we will all have our moments…but to make it an everyday occurrence just makes things ten times more difficult in the end.
2. How do you deal with players & cheat & boys night? lol I don’t. Let them play and cheat with someone elses emotions. The way I look at it, I don’t have time for the bullshit, and I am way too old for mind games and high school behavior. I refuse to be second choice to another woman; I am not talking children, because children will always come first. I have to much respect for myself to play second fiddle. If someone cheats I am done, 100%…I will give you the keys to the hotel room, but I am gone..whether we were together for 5 year or married.
Boys night? I mean do you have girls night? If you can’t trust the person that you are with then why are you with them in the first place? If I can’t trust someone I sure as hell won’t be with them. When I am with someone I want them to have boys night, I know that may sound strange, because so many women are so against it. I am not. I think it’s healthy to have your friends night; you’re allowed to have time with your friends and time away from each other. It’s healthy. I don’t like controlling people, and I don’t want to control someone. If someone is going to cheat, they will find a way to do it, they don’t boy or girls night to cheat…that ludicrous.
3. How do you feel about combined bachelor parties? Again..do you trust them? Realistically these parties where thrown for you to have that one last “fling,” or so I read once, I personally don’t agree with that. In my eyes that’s cheating, but I once went to a combined party and it was strange. Not my cup of tea.
But I still believe you need to have respect for your partner when it comes to these parties, and you both need to talk about what you are and not okay with.
4. What do you feel is most important in a relationship? Communication and trust. Like I said before if I can’t trust you I can’t be with you. You have to communicate, we are not mind readers.
5. How do you know you found the one? Hmm. Drew Barrymore in the Wedding Singer said “I always envisioned the one as someone I can see myself growing old with.” Definitely something like that; you just feel it. Can’t explain it, it’s more than finding someone attractive..you shouldn’t be able to explain it. It’s not who you want to spend Friday night with, but who you want to spend all day Saturday with. There are too many almost out there..you can always find someone else, but the big difference is if you find yourself going back to someone. That no matter what your mind always wonders back to them, and it will probably scare you too.
The way I see it is, everyone is always fun..new…and exciting in the beginning, but when you get to know them…everyone becomes “boring,” and somewhat predictable, in the sense you get to know their quirks, and what makes them who they are.
I think the one is someone that makes your life better, I am not talking materialistic, but better. You feel happy when you are around them, like you don’t need to be anyone but yourself. It just works without explanation or reason.
6. How do you deal with wondering eyes from your partner? I don’t. I think it is some of the most disrespectful acts you can do when you are with someone; especially if you know if it bothers your partner and it’s more the evident that you are eye balling someone up and down. Listen I think it’s only normal to find other people attractive, but you don’t act upon it. It’s normal to find someone beautiful or handsome, but you don’t put yourself in the position to act upon that attraction; and hurt someone else. It’s cruel. You have control over your actions, you know right from wrong, you are not 2 lol.
As you can probably tell I don’t put up with a ton of bullshit in a relationship; no one is perfect by any means. I however expect respect from the person that I am with. I don’t have time or patience for drama, I have been burnt too many times in the past. When I am with someone I want them for myself, not to share among other women. I am very straight forward in a relationship, if I feel something is off you better bet I will talk to you about it. I am not perfect, I am the furthest thing from perfect, but I wouldn’t put myself in the position to hurt someone I love or care about on purpose.