I realize we are going to be half way through the year; I can’t believe it! This year was certainly not what I expected it to be, but nonetheless it still remains a good year personally. At the first of the year I started taking Pure Barre classes up the street from where I live; the thought of running in 8 degree weather was not appealing by any means, but I knew I needed more cardio in the future. After my surgery I knew I was going to have to kick my work-outs up a notch.
Then covid hit; and I haven’t been to a Pure Barre class since the end of February. I am not much of a at-home work outer; I can’t get into it. I have tried numerous times to get into workout DVD with good intention to only have my mind really wonder half way through the work out; then I end up sitting on the couch watching the DVD. It was never a successful experience.
I need to be outside or in a class type atmosphere.
If you’re wondering what I am doing in this photo; I can assure you that I am wondering the same exact thing right now. Am I stating that I only have one mile left to go or am I completely annoyed the the “whipty-doo” springing out on the side of my head. Choice is yours.
When I started running more intensely than I ever have in my life a few months ago; weight melted off me really quick, each week I was seeing a difference. My legs were getting more defined, my stomach looked flatter, and I was just feeling better all the way around.
Then I plateaued for weeks! WEEKS! It felt very discouraging; I like to see results it’s more motivating.
I have read about plateauing many times but I was adamant on not being in that stated of stagnation very long. So I started running longer and harder; pushing myself harder than I should have. Then one morning I woke up to find the bottom of my heal swollen, and I could hardly walk on it for days. This was right before I was about to leave for vacation….plateauing and then not being able to walk was not exactly ideal; but I ended up thinking “this is as good as it’s going to get…I will never see these people at the beach again.”
The thing is I really don’t care about what people think about me, their opinion of me doesn’t really affect my life as much as it used when I was younger. When I hurt my foot and couldn’t run I was moody…edgy…and then I started thinking what example am I setting for Sophia; then when things don’t go your way you push yourself to the point where you hurt yourself. I didn’t want that; it was something that I certainly didn’t want to teach her either.
Sometimes my mentality when myself stems back from my childhood or not feeling good enough for someone that should have loved and accepted me regardless of how I looked. But I wasn’t. Instead, I was tortured by them for years; I was never thin enough…my hair was never long enough…my teeth were never white enough…there was always something wrong with me no matter what. It was an endless cycle of “lets change you,” that went on for years. It was years of spiteful words of telling me that I was obese, I will never get the job I wanted if someone walked in that was prettier or skinner because companies only hire fat people because they have too, it was doing 50 crunches at lunch time while someone sat over me counting, grabbing my arm and saying “look how little you are,” offering money to lose weight, my weigh in every Sunday, the pointing out all my imperfections to only point out someone elses childs perfections to compare us constantly, the pound I didn’t lose going over what I could have done better- toast one piece of bread then slice it through the center to give the illusion of two pieces of bread, the overheard arguments of “no man is ever going to want her with how she looks.” I was tortured for years – it all started around the age of 12; it got to the point where I didn’t even like myself; I couldn’t even look myself naked in the mirror without looking for something to change. The ironic part was when I look back on photos of this time era I wasn’t fat or obese; I was thin…toned, but the only difference is I wasn’t a walking skeleton.
I quit dance, turned down a lead tap role in a musical because I couldn’t fathom the idea of this person watching me (I told my mom that I couldn’t keep up with the audition-she knew I was lying). I wanted this role so badly until I got it. I excelled at tap; it’s the one thing I will openly admit that I was really good at it and I loved it. In the end I was able to make my feet do two different steps at the same time. The owner of the dance company I went to came to me one day offering me a tap position in their company without audition- basically a full scholarship. When I told this person about it they’re response was “it won’t be any different than what you’re doing now; so what’s the point.” I felt defeated; and at the moment I realized that I was never going to live up to the full potiental that this person wanted me to be; I was never going to be good enough..someone else was always going to do it better no matter what.
I don’t talk about my dance life at all, it’s almost a part of my life that I want to pretend didn’t exist, because when I think about it… I think about what I gave up and how much I didn’t want too. Although it was my choice and mine alone to walk away from it, I still regret it to this day. In fact I don’t talk about my relationship with this person, to anyone, because I no longer have a relationship with them. I walked away from them years ago, I never wanted Sophia to live what I went through, to give up what I did because I allowed someones toxic views to take so much away from me. I want her to have a positive mindset of herself and her body; and if this person was in her life I don’t think it would have been any different for her. There was no way I was going to allow that to happen; I would rather her think the sun shines out of her ass than to think negatively about herself; and think they only way she is valued is how someone views her.
It took years of self discovery to regain myself back, it wasn’t something that happened overnight; and even to this day it will still affects me, but it has taught me some very important lessons; most importantly it taught me what kind of parent I am going to be to my daughter.
So, after plateauing for weeks, I decided to just roll with it. I wasn’t going to get upset over it or worry about it. I will just continue to run and keep doing what I am doing.
I went on vacation with the notion that I was going getting to get up everyday and run…I even eyeballed my running route when I arrived. Did I go running? Yes…..twice lol. I still felt really good although I did love running next to the beach; and made me highly reconsider moving down South in the future (not like next year). I want more heat in my life.
After returning from vacation by first day back running, I did 6 miles. It was really rough but such a great runners high in the end. I am no longer in a plateauing stage, we have moved on from it at which I am totally grateful for.
I don’t own a scale… I never will. So when the neighbor lady asked me how much weight I lost…I made an educated guess based on how old clothes fit on me. Just yesterday I tried on an old work shirt, and I am swimming in it. It just hangs on me, you don’t see my figure at all. However, It’s going to be one of those shirts you keep forever just because it’s comfortable.
Then I recently bough a shirt from J. Crew in my size according my by bust size; and was pretty certain that it was going to fit when I ordered it. I received it in the mail and when I opened and immediate thought “umm..what part of my body does this plan on fitting….” while holding it up. Slightly disappointed I figured lets just try it on for shits and giggles…the worst part is I may need help getting out of it.
I slipped it over my head…and holy shit to my surprise…IT FITS and I have room in it. I even could have went down a size.
These following photos are not edited
I absolute jeans (when I find a pair I like…which is rare) and a t-shirt kind of girl. Always a t-shirt girl. This is the J. Crew shirt that I bought, it’s probably one of my favorite t-shirts that I own.
I had a party a few weeks back that I wore something above my knee for the first time in years. It was sort of strange feeling honestly; kind of like when you forget to put deodorant on. I felt kind of naked in a way, as much as I loved this dress…I kept tugging at it all night.
I always find the fitness to be a very personal journey; one that I am never always too open to talk about but sometimes I am more inclined to do so. Although I run every day I honestly don’t have a lot of goals when it comes to it, I do however find it to be a great stress reliever, especially when we were in quarantine. In the end, I have come to terms that I will never have a perfect body; and I have learned to be kind to myself over the years, especially since after having Sophia. A lot of people get hung up on money, looks- materialistic items, I could careless about any of that. Life is so much more than that.